There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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