ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
