i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
