no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
