Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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