I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
