Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
