Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
