How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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