Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
