I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
