I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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