hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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