dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
