Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize