I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
