It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
