hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
