just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
