Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
