Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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