When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
