Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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