I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
