Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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