you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
