I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
