i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize