When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
