I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
And then my night got REAL pukey
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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