I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
