Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
