Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You're like the curious george of whores
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
