He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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