my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize