he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
