So drunk its hurt
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude i'm inner monologue high
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize