She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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