i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Randomize