I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
