It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
