how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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