I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
