I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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