Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
