I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
