I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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