I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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