I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
