Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
