how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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