I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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