Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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