Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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