When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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