My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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