Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
