Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
