I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
