piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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