I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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