Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
