my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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