I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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