its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
