She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize