I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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