I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
